


thirty days

by AlkalineChatter



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Bisky pls, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Chimera Ant Arc, Fluff, GON HUGS HIM THO, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Pining, don't you know Killua needs love, killua is sad, there is 1 (ONE!) F-word in the story, they are babies, they are in love but don't know it yet, traumatized kids but still kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:01:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27025468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlkalineChatter/pseuds/AlkalineChatter
Summary: "Gon… For the thirty days you can’t use Nen, I will protect you. No matter what… I’ll do anything. After that… We’ll go our separate ways."Unpacking Killua's sheer angst after he loses the battle against Shoot and wonders how to comply with Bisky's order to leave Gon's side.Canon-compliant but not very spoilery.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 13
Kudos: 112





	thirty days

**Author's Note:**

> Hi and thank you for reading :) 
> 
> A couple notes:
> 
> \- I seriously think what Bisky said is utterly traumatizing so I really wanted to study its impact on Killua, and here it goes~ 
> 
> \- The 'I am worthless without Gon' thoughts of Killua are NOT what I consider ideal in a relationship; however, in the heart-wrenching happenings of the Chimera Ant Arc, I think it makes sense Killua is entertaining these kinds of thoughts. I definitely don't want to romanticize this kind of thinking! 
> 
> \- This story jumps on the "Killua and Gon sleep in the same bed and cuddle" trope train, oopsie whoopsie 
> 
> \- I'm new to writing fanfics in this fandom, so please be nice I am a softie ;~; but I am very very happy to hear your thoughts on this!!

_Gon… For the thirty days you can’t use_ Nen _, I will protect you. No matter what… I’ll do anything. After that… We’ll go our separate ways._

There is nothing interesting about the ceiling. Killua’s eyes could burn a hole through it as he stares at the swirls and patterns in the wood. It is a spectacularly boring ceiling and it fails to divert Killua’s attention from his misery.

Bisky never tiptoed around her expectations. She told him what he had to do in clear terms. If he can’t defeat Shoot, he needs to get out of Gon’s life because Killua holds him back, hinders him; hell, even endangers him if he is not a reliable partner. Shoot is currently on his way to the Chimera Ants, which means Killua’s future is settled. Once Gon gets his _Nen_ back, he must go.

_I will leave you once all this is over, because Bisky confirmed my fears that I am not right for you._

Can he leave Gon?

Killua feels like a planet. He doesn’t produce his own light. He reflects Gon’s and that is how he shines. Foolish eyes might assume it’s his own doing, the same way some people think stars in the sky have their own lights, but he knows better. He is a cool, deadly planet and the only reason he is habitable is because the rays of Gon’s laughter have warmed him up. Killua dreads the glacial cold that awaits once Gon will have moved beyond Killua’s reach.

His breathing fills Killua’s thoughts. Despite the challenges that are behind the two boys, Gon’s breathing is peaceful. Melodic. He always falls asleep easily, Killua less so; as such, by now Killua is intricately familiar with Gon’s arsenal of sleeping sounds. All are beautiful to Killua’s ears. Could he even sleep anymore without the cadenza of Gon’s breathing?

He is everything.

It’s been months since they were on Whale Island when Killua confessed that he had no goals or directions in life. He supposes now that it wasn’t quite true, not even back then. His direction in life, the north that calls to the compass of Killua’s heart is evidently Gon Freecss. It is one of those evidences in life that just go without saying. An apple falls from the tree. Killua follows Gon. If you remove the mass of the apple from the formula of gravity, you cannot solve the equation. And if Gon is no longer in the equation that describes Killua, he can no longer function.

Killua can’t bring himself to think about the next logical step. He can’t bear to think about the fact that Gon’s life would probably be absolutely unaffected by Killua’s absence. Sure, Gon would be sad. (This thought alone twists Killua’s stomach.) He knows that Gon likes to spend time with him; his laughter is genuine. But Gon is a meteor, rushing through the world with vigor, speed and joy; he would find his dad, they could probably be father-son Hunters even. Or something. Killua’s imagination isn’t vivid enough to paint Gon’s perfect life without him in it, but he knows, he is certain, that it would be a fine life, a perfect life, full of Gon’s energy and warmth, and he will most certainly not miss Killua the loser, Killua the lab rat of Illumi, Killua the one who had one task – to defeat Shoot – and he failed. He forfeited his match and with it his chance to be with Gon.

“Mmm,” Gon stirs. Killua stiffens. He doesn’t want to wake him. Gon is exhausted from the fight with Knuckle, Gon needs rest, Gon Gon Gon-- 

“Killua.”

No one says his name the way Gon does, with such tenderness even when sleepiness has woven webs around his throat. Even when they wrestle or lift weights in the gym, the way Gon says _Killua_ is oddly soft—never a groan, never a hiss. Killua hopes to comprehend one day why Gon utters his name with such extraordinary kindness, but for now he is simply grateful that Gon taught him that his name can sound so beautiful. 

“Can’t sleep, Killua?” Gon reaches out to touch his face. Then he pulls it back as if Killua burned him. “Are you _crying_? Oh no…What’s wrong, Killua?”

Before Killua could deny it or even say something, Gon is already on his side of the bed and wraps him in his trademark bone-crushing hug. Killua’s fists clench hard in the front of Gon’s nightshirt. How is he supposed to leave Gon? How is he supposed to walk out of his life, when Gon offers this absurd kindness to him, something Killua couldn’t even fathom before? _How?_ What was Bisky thinking?

“Is it the battle?” Gon presses further. “Or are you nervous about the ants?”

Killua snorts. Gon, his brilliant Gon who understands him more than anything; Gon, blessed with razor-sharp perception—and yet Killua knows no one else who could be capable of such utter obliviousness at the same time.

“No, you idiot,” he responds in a breathless whisper, and roughly rubs off the stray tears off his cheeks.

He feels Gon’s facial muscles move as he smiles against his shoulder. Knowing that Gon smiles helps.

“I’m just… sorry,” he says finally. The words are like heavy stones in his lung as he struggles to cough them up, to say them out loud. “I’m sorry, you know, for failing you.”

There, he said it. Not very eloquently, but Killua is no expert when it comes to talking about feelings. For many years he wasn’t even sure if he was allowed to have any, so discussing them openly is wildly new – and often terrifying.

“Huh?” Gon’s surprised voice makes Killua experience a tickling feeling somewhere under his breastbone. He swallows hard to get rid of it. “What do you mean, Killua?”

Killua lets go of Gon’s nightshirt and rolls on his back. The ceiling is still the same, but he can’t speak under the weight of Gon’s concerned eyes. The truth is that he has no idea what he is going to say whatsoever but he knows he has to say something, because Gon is stubborn when it comes to important things.

Killua quickly dismisses the thought that this would mean he is, in fact, an important thing as well.

“The battle with Shoot. I already told you how awful it was.” _How awful I was. Weak. Pathetic._ “Not sure I’m a good teammate to you at all, Gon.”

The words blurt out and bounce around in the room, Killua is too bitter to even count the seconds while Gon is staring at him, eyes wide, mouth cutely agape.

“You are my best friend, Killua. Not just a teammate,” he corrects him sternly, in a teacher-like way which would be comical if Killua didn’t feel like a butterfly in a spider’s web, hoping to escape the conversation unscathed, but growing more miserable with each passing second. “I’m very sad about losing too. The thirty-day break from _Nen_ annoys me so much! But we can’t give up yet, not while Kite needs us. I can’t do it without you, Killua!”

_This doesn’t help._

Gon’s words pierce his defenses with ease, as they always do, and Killua feels the familiar happiness bubbling in his chest (“ _I can’t do it without you, Killua!”_ ) but that happiness is now overshadowed by Bisky’s decree, _this won’t be a thing anymore,_ Killua thinks, _no more Gon,_ although he has no clue what _will_ be there then if there is no Gon, it’s just not something his sloppy imagination wants to provide—and for that he is grateful. The happiness turns to sorrow, and Bisky now looks a lot like Illumi in his mind.

“You can do anything you set your mind to, Gon.”

His voice is distant, a step back from the now usual comfort with which he has been interacting with Gon, and his friend notices the change immediately. Gon props himself up on his elbows and stares at him, confused and intent.

“Maybe. Maybe not. The thing is, Killua, I don’t want to, you know? Not without you.” Gon huffs, he is clearly aware that he too isn’t very eloquent either; they are young boys with big feelings and it’s so very difficult to put them to words. “If you weren’t around right now, I would be so scared. Kite asked so many times if we are sure we want to follow. But you are always there, and with you I feel like I can do anything. Actually,” he stops abruptly, “do you want to hear a secret?”

“Spit it out, dummy.”

“Well,” Gon says with an embarrassed grin, “sometimes I think the reason why I never hesitate is because I know you’re there, watching, and I wanna show you that I’m strong. Strong like you.”

Killua looks at Gon from the corner of his eyes. He is still on his back, Gon is almost above him as he is propped up on his elbows. Gon is somewhat flustered, Killua recognizes this sheepish grin which Gon uses when he feels awkward or silly. _He is so sweet._ Killua feels like there is more to what Gon just said than what meets the eye, so he carefully puts it away in his memory so he can think about it later.

“You made it sound like you were going to say something real awkward. This is just typical Gon stuff. I’m not even surprised.”

Gon laughs. The bells and chimes of his joy make it easy for Killua to push his own fears aside and keep it together for him. It’s bad enough he woke him up. If a fraction of what Gon said is true, then Killua needs to be there for him, no matter what. He cannot allow Gon to be scared.

_Does that really expire after thirty days?_

Under the tender gaze of Gon Freecss, Bisky’s words seem more distant. Killua just can’t resist the magnetic pull of the absurdly inviting warmth that is so very characteristic of Gon. He rolls on his side to face him, and Gon collapses on the bed, almost dramatically, _he is always so obnoxious,_ and they are unbelievably close again.

It happens often that they are close, very close, confusingly close. One time, Gon chuckled and complimented his eyelashes, saying that he wanted to cuddle more often just so see those beautiful silvery slopes. Another time, Killua casually pointed out that he could count Gon’s freckles if he wanted to, and Gon laughed and asked him to do it. 

But now it’s different. This time, Gon’s gaze doesn’t look for interesting details about Killua’s body; Gon’s gaze probes him, tests him, _melts him,_ and searches the depths of his mind to find the source of Killua’s troubles. Once Gon finds that source, he will heroically destroy the root of Killua’s fears, like a knight in a shining armor, or—better yet—just capture the root with his fishing rod and pull its sting out of Killua’s heart once and for all.

“What’s wrong, Killua?” he asks again. His face is serious; his brows furrowed in concentration. But his voice is loving, it swirls around Killua, and he is mesmerized by the care with which Gon pronounces the many vowels of his name. “I know you are worried about something. You don’t need to tiptoe around me. Please just tell me. Please.”

“Fine. Fine.” _Damn Gon, there is no peace for you once he wants to figure something out._ “Look, Bisky thinks I hold you back. She said if I can’t defeat Shoot, it means you’re better off without me. And, well, you know what happened.” 

“Wh-wh—”

Gon’s face, normally so healthy and lively, goes pale. His hand flies to Killua’s and holds it with an unusual strength; his fingers are around Killua’s hand rather than his fingers, so Gon’s grip doesn’t threaten to break a bone, but it’s bordering on uncomfortable. Yet, somehow, the slight pain is welcome, it reminds Killua that Gon next to him and around him, filling the air Killua breathes with his scent, _Gon is here._ The pain, however light, reminds him of the times when he was punished by his family, and it feels natural; doesn’t Killua deserve punishment for losing to Shoot?

“This is not true!” Gon exclaims. His alarmed voice fills the room, it’s too loud for the night’s silence, it shrills against Killua’s ears and he welcomes it. “Killua. You’re stronger. You always have been. Remember the Hunter Exam? Remember our admission to Greed Island? The dodge ball fight? How could you possibly hold me back?”

“Gon.” Killua closes his eyes because Gon’s horrified face hurts him more than it should, it hurts more than any torture he has endured before. Before Gon, Killua hardly ever cried, but Gon opened a secret dam between his feelings and his body. The lump in his throat, the earnest desperation written on his face… Killua knows what this means. He cannot allow himself to lose his composure. Not when this topic is so important. Bisky said so.

“I know that I’m good. This is not self-deprecation. But the way I fight is pretty fucked up, and it endangers you because we are friends. I’m scared to hurt you just because I’m not good enough. I wouldn’t do something like that. Not to you.”

_I would never hurt you, Gon. I’d rather leave you than to hurt you._

Killua opens his eyes to the silence only to see Gon looking at him with the same concentrating face again. Killua feels like a book, Gon flips his pages with ease, he can skim the paragraphs of Killua’s mind, all the small-font footnotes that he has locked deep in his heart.

Then Gon’s expression softens. His grip on Killua’s hand is now gentle – as if Gon’s hand was apologizing for its earlier harshness.

“Oh Killua. You are so scared. You are frightened.”

This is it. Gon’s superhuman perception has kicked in. There is no point in denying. His weakness is laid bare in front of Gon, and Killua chokes on a tearless sob because Gon is so spot on again. Before he knows it, however, Gon pulls him close without hesitation, Killua’s nose is suddenly pressed against Gon’s chest, right under his chin where the skin covering Gon’s collarbones is unimaginably soft. Gon’s embrace is firm, his arms mean safety. He buries his nose in Killua’s hair, the exhaled air warms up Killua’s scalp. Killua tries to will away the fluttering feelings as his innermost parts respond to Gon’s touch, but he knows all too well that this is a lost cause, his treacherous body is so happy when Gon touches him that his brain just can’t keep up.

“I’m sorry,” Killua whispers. He is weak, he is selfish, his desires will corrupt the mission, he might even be the reason if the Chimera Ants take over the world, but— “I-I can’t afford to lose you, Gon. I just can’t.”

“Oh, just shut up,” Gon says so gently that the content of his words is totally irrelevant. Killua smiles without wanting to. Gon has been picking up some of his own mannerisms. “You are being so silly, Killua. We will always be together. If you want, that is.”

“Yeah,” Killua mumbles. “I’d really like that. But Bisky said—”

“I don’t get why Bisky would say something like that. I think it’s very cruel. Very cruel to you, Killua, and I don’t like that. But it doesn’t matter because you and I get to decide what we do together.”

Gon makes so much sense. Gon can breeze through these moral labyrinths as if the obstacles were conjured _Nen_ clouds, not real struggles. In moments like this, Killua is jealous of Gon and he desperately wants to keep up with him. He wants to follow him anywhere he goes because Killua loves Gon with all his heart, and he loves how Gon makes him feel.

He wants to say something—something cool and casual, something that eases the intimacy of this moment, because Killua is not ready to open up so deeply, he is frightened—but Gon’s energy comes to the rescue.

“I know this ant situation is horrible, painful… I’m so scared.” _How can Gon be scared when he speaks so simply, reassuringly?_ The thought doesn’t have time to dwell because Gon keeps going. “But, Killua, we can only do it together. It’s so scary to imagine what might happen if we don’t fight. You’re the best fighter I know, Killua. You always defeat me in wrestling with those tricky kicks, and your strategies always work. They just do. It’s amazing.” Gon stops to search for words, and Killua tilts his head to be able to see his face. When their eyes meet, Gon’s lips immediately curl up in a smile. “You would never hold me back, Killua. It’s the opposite, really, and Bisky doesn’t understand that. You make me better. You make me so happy.”

“Yeah?” Killua can only manage this shaky question.

“Yeah. I promise.” It’s a Gon thing to promise things all the time, even things he can’t keep, so Killua is not convinced that this promise will last for eternity, but he is greedy. He wants this reassurance, he wants to feel needed by Gon, so he can convince himself, just for a moment at least, that he is worthy of Gon’s overwhelming affection.

Gon now offers him a chance to defy Bisky. It’s more than a permission; it is an offer. A request. Gon wants him to be by his side. Gon offers his friendship, his company, and this ridiculous affection – once again. Why? Killua cannot comprehend it. Instead, he reaches up an arm and wraps it around Gon—his bones could melt from hearing Gon’s content sigh—and allows himself to be lost in the present.

There is no real resolution. Killua knows it is impossible to think straight when basking in Gon’s warmth, when his own heart hammers like a busy factory. He wants to ponder more, he wants to make sure he chooses the right path, because Bisky’s words make too much sense in his head, but right now, he yearns to prolong this moment. He wants Gon to hold him like this, and more importantly, he desperately wants to erase all traces of the horrified look on Gon’s face when he told him about Bisky’s suggestion. This is not the right time. Gon’s heart is troubled, he is anxious for Kite, and Killua shouldn’t burden him with further worries. When the time is right, when the Chimera Ants are but a mere chapter behind them, then Killua can see how to proceed with what Bisky said.

“I love—ah, I love this,” Gon sighs again. “See, Killua? You really just make me so so happy.”

“Stop being so ridiculous,” Killua chokes out.

“I’ll try!” Gon laughs quietly, and Killua knows all too well that Gon will _not_ stop being ridiculous, Gon will continue to say the kindest things, the most embarrassing and most heartwarming things.

There is no way Killua could leave Gon. No way. Maybe they split up for a quest or a mission, but they will always reunite. Even if Killua decides to follow Bisky’s words, he will spend every second of his time without Gon on training. He will undo Illumi’s conditioning, he will develop his aura, he will strengthen his mental resources. Then he can prove it to Bisky that he good enough to follow Gon Freecss.

This thought comforts Killua. In Gon’s pure, uncomplicated embrace, Killua’s fears burn to smithereens—still present, still suffocating, but easier to ignore—and he starts to hope again.

He is the planet and Gon is the sun—even if they orbit away, they just come back to each other. They just have to. It is a given, it’s physics, it is an evidence of life that just goes without saying.


End file.
